The feeling after.

by Poet on the Piano   May 3, 2020


I shower at the darkest hour,
processing grief from old memories,
wishing they could float down the drain
and into another dimension.

It's useless to cleanse
what I know isn't a sin,
but years of indoctrination and feeling
closer to God, only to realize I am
my own kind of god,
can mess with a kid's head.

I want her touch, I also crave his.
Him arms will restore my faith
in safety, in refuge.
Hers will convince me paradise
can exist on earth and there is no
Garden of Eden that will curse us
for simple desire.

I've been taught lust is a poison I
must treat - scrub every toxin then
ingest antibiotics in hope the infection
doesn't spread to the heart.

I'm tired of the fear returning,
reminding me of all the ways I
denied my truth.

The feeling after is not an error
to reconcile,
and I pray I never betray myself
again.

    report violation
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Latest Comments

  • 4 years ago

    by Ben Pickard

    Amen to that last line, so to speak.
    Lust, sexuality, and individuality are nothing we need to feel sinful about, that is for absolute certain, MA. And there is nothing dirty about any of them that needs washing down the drain. God, if he exists, will accept us in all our many wonderful guises. After all, he manufactured them, didn't he?
    By the way, and on a lighter note, there is only one course of treatment for lust that I know of - and it doesn't involve popping any kind of pill.

    Take care, MA

    • 4 years ago

      by Poet on the Piano

      Thank you, Ben, for your kindness and reassurance. It can be jolting to still need to process things when I feel I'm finally at the point in my life where I'm confident and unashamed. Then there are days where remnants of that shame come back, even when I know it's not logical, and I just have to be gentle with myself. Thanks, again!

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