With measured verse, I tried to make you hear
But meter fell to unromantic yards.
Insipid ink, compounded by my tears,
Has left my world and yours a world apart.
The intervening years have left me old
With poetry not quite as fun to shape;
Where once my ink would turn from black to gold,
It now stagnates in murky brooks and lakes.
I cannot understand this constant plight:
A man's unflinching march toward his end -
And when, at last, he navigates the heights,
He quite forgets the river's waiting bend.
If nothing else, I here record my woe,
And though it may be prose, at least you know.
Ben, somehow I want to see a version that contains industrial language, if you know what I mean!? Maybe in a PM??
6 months ago
by Keira Pickard
First of all, the title is excellently clever.
Next, I liked how you didn't capitalize. I think I've said this before, but some sonnets need to have the harder edge of capital letters for presentation! I'm glad you didn't center it, either, as the last point I made about capitals in the middle of the page wouldn't look so good :)
I loved the smoothness of reading it. I was actually muttering it aloud to see how it sounded! The rhymes were lovely and the verses rolled of the tongue.
I enjoyed all of it, but the last two lines were wonderfully moving and certainly my favourite.
I think I might tweak a few parts, personally, though:
Has left my world and yours a world apart
^^ I can't decide whether the repetition of words was purposeful or not. I quite like it, but I think that it might sound better to change it. I'm not going to suggest incase I ruin the meter!
The intervening years have made left me old
^^ I think there was a mistake here and you accidentally tried to correct something but didn't delete it fully. It doesn't quite make sense, nearer the end of the sentence, do I'd suggest just cutting out either the 'made' or 'left' (I'd take away the 'made' . . . Lol)
I was thinking how strange it is that when you're reading it, done of the lines look or sound too short to keep up the syllable count, but when you count them in your head they're exactly the same as the rest. A bit off subject, I know, just food for thought!
I really loved this one :)