From the time I open my eyes, to when I lay my head I question myself; Would I be better off dead? I ask for assurance but what I get is filled with doubt.
I want with all that I am to trust and have faith, but when I open up, I'm stuck. I'm vulnerable. Innocent. The easiest blow can shatter my soul. How do you cope, how do you function when everything you once believed to be true of yourself, is now nothing but doubt?
I've buried my feelings below the surface, I replay the songs of despair through my mind. Grasping to all the verses, like a little girl attached to a blanket. They comfort me, when nothing and no one else would. They tell me when i doubt all that I am, I am not alone. But, I want to be. Nobody deserves to feel this way, to wonder their worth from the people they love most. But, ain't that what they say, " It's the ones you love most that hurts you the worst". I feel as though I'm cursed. To be loved in ones arms is the best, but I'm cursed to be loved once I've been lost.
I can't sit and wonder where I stand, who stands with me? Everything that goes through my head, is another question doubting myself once again. I have very much to live for, beautiful children that couldn't ask me for nothing more, but to stay and love them in a way that I've never been loved. Now, I am trying to do better. I know I need to seek for help, but its hard when I couldn't get it from anybody else. When a blade is too dull to cut through, I cry because its the one thing that makes me feel alive. The pain, the physical pain is better to feel than the emotional pain I drown myself in everyday. Trapped beneath the water waves as they crash me back under, stuck replaying the verses to the songs of despair. I can't give up; I won't. I just need something to make me feel alive. Something to make me strive! I needed him to hold me tight but he let go allowing the wind to take me away.
