Please enlighten me,
how else am I supposed to react?
A cycle of revolving doors.
A fear nothing will ground me for long.
And you, on the other end of the line,
yet even more distant than the hundreds
of miles and state lines separating us.
I wonder if you sound detached
on purpose, or if I'm wishing
there was more you could offer.
Are you calculating each move
to keep me from expecting
too much from you, a reaction
that will never be enough for me?
Is it the disorder?
How can I cope when it's my personality?
When I am the one responsible for every
reaction to heightened emotion?
All I want is a short break, a steady breath,
instead of climbing mountains then plummeting
with no in-between, each crash never quite
enough to give me a concussion;
my mind is an avalanche I am perpetually
caught in, yet I internalize the damage,
so no one is overwhelmed the way I always am.
Therefore, it only makes sense
how often I dream of being saved.
I know you're trying to do what's best
for me in the future,
but of course it physically hurts
to have you be a witness
when I allow no one else to be.
I can't rely on these fantasies,
yet I keep indulging them.
I need their comfort.
I wish for your comfort.
So I keep pushing your buttons
to see how far you'll go,
measuring the way you care
by how often you'll intervene.
But at the end of the day,
I know reality, as it settles like
ashes in my lungs,
and I try to swallow the pain away.
I have to intervene,
when my emotions are too high,
when I'm about to jump
without a safety net.
I have to let others know,
how and when to give support
when I inevitably fall,
and the spiral starts again...
