the nights

they're so different now

you don't check
every 15 minutes

there isn't a shadow
at the door
which usually would frighten
but became an expected comfort

and i would curl
into the tightest ball
and hope you would see
my desperation
to just be held

it's the first night
returning back to normal
but there is no more normal
after experiencing
what i cannot even comprehend

it's strange
how displaced i feel
when home again

outside of the walls
that protected me
that never conducted harm
that always asked
if i needed anything 24/7

and while it's true
i feel more able to deflate
and show my dejected face

i wonder how i will continue

because it's like birth
isn't it

we were all catapulted
into life

thrust into something
so unpredictable

and while we were once
protected

we must be our own protectors
as much as it hurts
as much as it feels
too painful to stand on our own

they say we're not alone
but it's always up to us

to communicate better
to let others know when we need help

and i wish
others could see

everything i try to tuck away and hide

__________________________

freewrite