How Does It Make You Feel

How does it make you feel inside knowing that your making your little sister cut?
it should be making you feel something but what?
is this what f u c k i n g turns you on?
or is it just the pure satisfaction of seeing my tears fall down?

How does it make you feel to have both of our parents on your side?
does it give you your jollies seeing your sister going through phases where she actually wants to die?
your supposed to be my older brother,
well let me tell you now, this is not what older brothers do like i am no other.

How does it make you feel making me cry day after day?
My life just was not meant to turn out this way,
so you have left me with no one to turn to but my own f u c k i n g razor blade,
does this all make you feel like your the f u c k i n g queen of spades?

How does it make you feel knowing that i am dieing inside because of you?
every single one of your words hurts me through and through,
i can not handle this pain anymore,
by the end of this night i will be knocking on heavens door.

How does it make you feel knowing that your little sister now hates you?
is this what you ultimately wanted to do?
the black cloud is falling closer over me,
i am begging for one more chance on this earth down on my knees.

How does it make you feel to have the last word,
before, right before your eyes, your sister does something so absurd?
this is your final chance to take it all back and say that you are sorry,
because after this blade strikes my vein there will be no more worry.

How does it make you feel to watch me crumple in front of you and fall to your feet?
i had fifteen years, but this pain was something that i just could not beat,
i gave you your chance but you did not grasp onto the opportunity,
you never even gave me any pity.

How does it make you feel to finally watch me end my life?
well congradu-f u c k i n g-lations you have now won your strife,
i have given you what you have always wanted,
but do not you worry, my memory will not make you feel haunted.

How does it make you feel to hear my last words just minutes before?
but here i am looking down at you laughing with all of your friends while i am standing here knocking on heavens door,
the thunder is crashing,
the lightning is flashing,
oh won't someone please come and let me in,
forgive me for all of the times that i have sinned,
god opens the door to see my face all tainted with tears,
he leans down and whispers the three most feared words into my ear....
Welcome to heaven.

© Jenna Elphick
February 22, 2006