Are You Happy

Are you happy when you look at my scars?
because it sure does seem like you are,
if you were not then why do you constantly treat me like shit?
i feel like i am surrounded by demons in the middle of hells pit.

Are you happy when you see my face tainted with tears?
each droplet contains another one of my fears,
so here they come again streaming down upon my cheeks,
i am tired of running and hiding...my legs are going weak.

Are you happy when you see my blood stained razor blade?
because you are slowly helping to make my soul fade,
it helps me get over the troubling times that you put me through,
and to think..all of this because of you.

Are you happy when you see my blood encrusted floor,
every time that you open up my bedroom door?
every night another scar appears somewhere along me,
are they really that impossible for you to see?

Are you happy when you see me kneeling on my knees praying for death every night,
and then hit the floor crying when it does not go right?
trembling and shaking with no one there to dry my tears,
or to hold me in their arms and erase all of my fears.

Are you happy when you see a fake smile upon my face,
taking upon the real ones place?
no sign of true emotion is left within me,
my heart is locked, i have thrown away the key.

Are you happy when you watch my soul fade through my crystal clear eyes?
how you never know if it is my final good-bye?
You see me crumpled up in a corner with my head down on my knees,
not once thinking about my blood making my personal little seas.

Are you going to be happy when i do not wake up on day?
Just because there was no other way.
I am giving up on everything that ever mattered to me, i no longer care,
this will be the last time that i pull and tug at my hair.

Are you going to be happy when they lay me ten feet underground?
When it finally hits you that i am no longer around?
robbed from the world forever, never coming back,
and it all started with someone calling me fat.

Are you going to be happy when you think of how i lost all of that weight?
sitting puking in that toilet every night was my fate.
Never eating any food that was put in front of me,
just simply saying i will be right back, i have to go pee.

Are you going to be happy when you think of how i never returned to finish my dinner?
instead i went to my room and rolled up another joint, only thinking about how i was running out of weed so it would have to be a pinner.
Getting f u c k e d out of my mind, relieving my stress,
then drinking some alcohol thinking it was the best.

Are you going to be happy when you come and visit my grave never seeing my face again, just reading the grave and how it says i killed myself.
your tears dropping upon the mound of dirt piled on top of me are not going to help.
Read the suicide not left on my bed,
and then you will finally understand why i am dead.

© Jenna Elphick
March 25, 2005