Something mellifluous

by Drusus Bathory   Mar 22, 2007


When the dawning hits the morning
blood and vengeance as a warning
trapped and hideously fawning
over creatures bent on hate

never breathing only yearning
to be released from all the burning
precious moments sweeten learning
about a place that isn't there

as the flesh and bones are tearing
any chance of people caring
drop away from demons staring
at the canisters and fire

faceless people never telling
stories heard above the yelling
black and beaten from the shelling
is this war or just my heart

spiral staircases are breaking
down to cellars they are taking
all the bodies that they’re baking
simply spirits pushed away

as the rich just keep on dancing
keep there minds on sweet romancing
all the others think of chancing
getting water for the day

as the heat from all the shooting
keeps the riotous from looting
but theres never any muting
and the heathens never leave

down the roads they keep on bringing
more machines built for stinging
but the children keep on singing
and we’ll rot for this one day

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Latest Comments

  • 14 years ago

    by Kaila

    I thought this poem was very outstanding! You did an incredible job! nicely done!

  • 14 years ago

    by Brittney Follett

    This is interesting... I cannot think of what to comment. Usually I critize people and tell them what to do to make it better... but for you I cannot think of anything! Well I guess I might as well tell you what I liked about it ;)

    The Rhyming:
    I really liked how you rhymed 'aaab' very intersting. You never forced any rhymes... that just kinda flowed together so smoothly

    The Flow:
    Your flow was great, I never felt a jump between the lines.

    Really... the only thing I think you can do is add some puncuation... and that isn't even very important... I loved this stanza here:

    faceless people never telling
    stories heard above the yelling
    black and beaten from the shelling
    is this war or just my heart

    I loved how you put 'faceless people' I just thought 'wow' when I read that... and this part ''is this war or just my heart" I LOVED that part. I stopped and thought about that line... I guess I liked it so much is because I can relate to it... anyways...

    The emotion:
    The main emotion I felt through this was... well.. I felt darkness. Weird huh? You really can paint a picture in my mind you did an amazing job on this one babe.

    Great Write

    5/5

  • 14 years ago

    by Darien

    I really liked your rhyme schemes, they are such a throw off, but that makes it really neat. This was definitely a darkened poem and you really created some vivid images from this one.

    Just a little thing you should know about this site. If you are copying and pasting from a word document or from somewhere else, you might need to edit the poem where it has apostrophes. Otherwise you get some weird jibberish..

    "all the bodies that theyâ??re baking"
    like that..

    But welcome to the site, I'm looking forward to reading more from you.

  • 14 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    Great poem well done! keep writing xxxxxxxxxxx

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