Undoing Rain (writers block)

by Mommy And Me   Aug 8, 2007


Undoing Rain

The rain beat her tattered face
And she traced the holes in her pant legs
Her tears were covered in broken lies
Along with the promises of a thousand others.

She counts the stars with in his eyes
As they blaze with a fire from hell
Knowing tomorrow may never be there
She listens to the words he yells.

Another night there she sits in the alley
As her black and blue face turns ice cold
He drinks his bottle of good ol' Crown Royal
Watches the television show old re-runs.

The thunder rolls, and the lightning flashes
As she thinks of the broken smiles she has held
Knowing that undoing her past of pain
Is like undoing the rain itself.

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Latest Comments

  • 18 years ago

    by Woe

    I love this. writers block my butt...
    <3

  • 18 years ago

    by Pete

    Sorry i didn't ellaborate on that...
    In that stanza, you use lines with 10 syllables or less, the last line had 14 .. if you could get it to 10 my personal opinion is that it would improve the flow of that stanza.

    Keep up the good work.

  • 18 years ago

    by Pete

    Wonder write, you used great imagery to capture your readers imagination. I'm normally a fan of rhyming poems, but this one is very well written. Makes you see from the perpective of the writer.
    My only negative comment would be re: this line ..
    "And watches the television as it shows old re-runs."
    Seems to throw the flow off in my opinion. Same imagery would be help in a shorter sentence.
    Overall very nice poem though - [5/5]

  • 18 years ago

    by Dan

    Amazing. good work and you are doing great.
    it was a bit sad though. read it bout 5 times now.

    -daniel

  • 18 years ago

    by Richard Machado

    Let us start with the title: I thought the title was enticing and entrancing, so that was an awesome start. The scattered imagery helped a lot with the essence of the poem and really made it for me. The ending made me smile because of how the simile made me think of what was going on in the narrators head. This poem was captivating, and quite unexpectedly, so. It was just an awesome read.

    Take care, (I don't know your name so I will call you) Tickles!

    =]

    ~Richiiieee

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