Jesus forbid you put me down in your history of romance like a list of countries, where you came and conquered.
May I be more like Genghis Khan, spreading out upon the populations and tarnishing the memory of all that once was.

My last loving relationship involved a spare electrical outlet at an airport departure gate.

Relationship status : Taken (for granted)

This girl tweeted at me to DM her. What a weirdo, how am I supposed to Dungeon Master her?

Her: Are you listening to me? Me: Trying. But when you talk, your boobs jiggle. It's distracting. Her: Grow up. Me: They did it again!

This girl is ignoring me like a check engine light.

Boy: Let's play a game, any game, just not hide and seek. Girl: Why not hide and seek? Boy: Because a girl like you is impossible to find.

Admit it. You get a small rush of happiness when your crush likes your Facebook picture or status.

Don't be stupid, if their ex is still calling its because they're still getting an answer.

Someone told me I was too cute to be single so I told them they were too dumb to be giving advice.