It's Stuck Inside of Me

by White Chocolate Dynamite   Apr 20, 2008


How can I tell you I love you?
When I think of you, my feelings twist inside
As if someone's fist reached in and grabbed a few,
And turned and turned them tight and tangled. I've tried
Somehow to say: You're the sun in my sky,
The wind that takes me where I want to go,
The sweet words that makes me feel so high.
That loving you seems all I need to know,
But it all sticks in my throat, it sounds too cute,
Empty as a wrinkled paper bag.
You won't believe me, so its better I stay mute,
Than offer you words that make you gag.
And yet I wish to tell you of my love,
If only love its own locks would be removed.

*This is a English Sonnet, with a rhyme scheme of abab cdcd efef gg, This is my own original work, and I copyright it.*

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  • 16 years ago

    by Melpomene

    First of all. I like that you've tried a different style. Sonnets are beautiful, and even more beautiful to write so well done on this.

    I know Italian Sonnets are broken down in structure and look lovely though i'm not sure on an english sonnet. If it can be broken down into different structured stanzas I think that would make this poem a little neater. Either way it doesn't really matter.

    You've used quite a few filler words here which made the poem seem a touch rushed to me. Your emotions were their though they were only on the surface I couldn't feel the full extent of this poem.

    Your rhymes seemed a bit rushed to me, in love poems I know it is hard to find rhymes that will always fit together nicely, also in sonnets it's not easy either because the rhyme scheme is always set. You can't just flow with it.

    I feel as though this poem could of had alot more power behind it if you used metaphors and more imagery.

    You had this poem on the surface with a little bit more work I think it could become quite the stunning piece. You've got what it takes you just have to practice like we all do.

    ~Mel

  • 16 years ago

    by RavishingEruption

    My normal words don't even do this justice. All too many times I've felt a burning love and been to selfconscience to speak it. This is the biggest fear/problem in a growing relationship. I loved this poem. It took my breath away...

    5/5

  • 16 years ago

    by BurriedFaceDown

    Hey I wrote a sonnet. But i love this poem.
    If you want to read my sonnet
    it is on my other account Ophelia
    it's called A Sonnet to You

    You won't believe me, so its better I stay mute,
    Than offer you words that make you gag.
    And yet I wish to tell you of my love,

    I love how you love so much that you can't seem to get the words out
    but you feel that you must

    Lovely poem

  • 16 years ago

    by Lemon Square Bear23

    Hey Nathan.... OMW awww i so totally loved this wirte its very different than any other poem ive read, sry i didnt take the time to read what other ppl had to say (who cares about the critics) i absolutely loved it!!! i think u did very good it was so touching i just hoped u shared this with Ali... 5/5 always
    ur lil sis'
    Kate~

  • 16 years ago

    by Spiker 03

    Hey! This was a great poem. dont listen to the ppl that critique your work. their just jealous they cant write like that. I'm glad you can show your emotions and your not afraid to do that. keep up the good work. 5/5~Spiker_03~lil' sis.

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