He sits down on the sidewalk,
Throws the bottle into the street.
Says, "Let me think about the man I am.
Why does my life feel so incomplete?"
*I really like how you started this. It's very different. I feel like I'm watching a movie*
He says, "Man, she was beautiful.
The prettiest girl you ever did see
And I let her slip away...
Loved her, but she didn't love me."
*Aww this part is sad. I can relate to what the gut is saying. Very emotional and I love your style*
He cries, "I let the bottle win,
But it don't keep me warm at night.
And I want someone to love me.
My God, let me get through this fight."
*Not as strong as I would have wanted it to be but I still like the poem as a whole. Very nice work keep it up. Shanik*
11 years ago
by Cyber Saiyan
This is a good start to a new poem.
I would change a few things though. Instead of spoken dialogue, maybe you could use his words as thought in his head. When you read the lines you have written, they are very proper and structured; almost TOO proper. If you read the words out loud, it sounds a little funny because people dont normally speak this way.
I would use a few more ING words; like SITTING ON THE SIDEWALK instead of HE SITS DOWN ON THE SIDEWALK. This uses fewer words and accomplishes the same imagery.
This may be a good poem to "rough up" with explicit words. Looking at the big picture, he just realized that he let booze win out over a good woman. I could not see someone saying, Man, she was beautiful". It would probably be more like: "Shxt, she was so Fxxxxxx beautiful" or something similar. If he is throwing a bottle in the street, he obviously has some alcohol in him and would be more offensive.
These are just my opinions though. Take them anyway you wish. Good luck with the rest.
If you find my comments useful, please feel free to praise them.
I like the structure of this poem though I have been there and done that thkis poem serves as a reminder that alcohol or drugs never made me happy and is a very poor substitute for love. I don't glorify my past nor does this very well written poem