Wanderlust

by Krathia   Aug 6, 2009


I walked in nightfall,
Stumbling along sinister lines
Of your smile. Untrodden paths slither
Beneath charcoal skies, trail of ashes
Leading toward... somewhere,
Under burnt-out stars.

Faceless moon; the occasional light
tumbled upon midnight roses.
I wanted to... love one
Velvet dream, to kiss
your inky, wind-clear eyes, to caress
The glow of your parted -

No...
Evanescent, like whispered melodies
from tired lips, you
vanished, leaving behind
midnight petals that drifted,
drifted, soundless, to my feet.

Wandering upon songs
Of silence, I breathed out
Too many metaphors
That spelled out your name,
Too many sighs
That echoed your slumber.

Amore, I still dream...

2


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Latest Comments

  • 10 years ago

    by The Prince

    It's funny because I recently wrote something with the exact same title; though what I wrote was prose, but it caught my eye - a beautiful piece. It might sound strange to say but I see echoes of the style I write in here, I think I can appreciate your word choice and use of image quite easily here.

    'I walked in nightfall,
    Stumbling along sinister lines
    Of your smile. Untrodden paths slither
    Beneath charcoal skies, trail of ashes
    Leading toward... somewhere,
    Under burnt-out star'

    You paint a lovely image here without overburdening it with adjectives, the tone was relaxed and simple yet your deliveration was strong. However, I feel

    'Stumbling along sinister lines
    Of your smile.'

    Seemed quite out of place; the introduction of personal pronouns was too sudden for me. It just semeed to read a bit off.

    I've been angry lately at the people who don't use elipsis correctly, you use it correctly here, the particular useage I'm referring to that works well is:

    'I wanted to... love one
    Velvet dream, to kiss'

    I found your transition to third stanza quite professional.

    'your inky, wind-clear eyes, to caress
    The glow of your parted -

    No...'

    It's fleeted, the piece drifts through and I think it's marvellously crafted.

    'like whispered melodies
    from tired lips'

    This is a cliche, I believe.

    'you
    vanished, leaving behind
    midnight petals that drifted,
    drifted, soundless, to my feet.'

    The tone of sadness here is striking. I get an image of a lonely character, hopeless and wandering towards a dead end, feeling comforted in her dreams; her thoughts.

    This:

    'I breathed out
    Too many metaphors
    That spelled out your name,
    Too many sighs
    That echoed your slumber.'

    Is excellent. Worthy of praise just on it's own.

    I shan't pick it apart anymore, another great write from you, you exceed my expectations with every new piece you write.

    Well done!

  • 10 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    Congratulations Krathia! You really deserved the win and I'm so happy for you. God bless you!

    ~MaryAnne

  • 10 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    Sorry, I forgot to mention that the title was very unique. It caught my eye and was well-thought out. Have a great week.

    ~MaryAnne

  • 10 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "I walked in nightfall,"

    This is a beautiful opening line, just the wording creates such a scene for the reader to imagine.
    ----------------------

    "Stumbling along sinister lines
    Of your smile."

    Very unique, I quite enjoyed this line, it struck me and had me wanting more.
    ---------------------

    "Untrodden paths slither
    Beneath charcoal skies, trail of ashes"

    That first line was original, and the thought of it stunned me.

    "charcoal skies", great imagery here.

    Since you "skies" is plural, I think "trail of ashes" would be better if changed to this:

    "trails of ashes", it would just make more sense.
    -------------------------

    "Leading toward... somewhere,"

    Okay, I didn't like "somewhere", it just dissapointed me and I thought it wasn't the right word. It just was blah and was more weak, try replacing it with something more creative.
    ------------------------

    "Under burnt-out stars."

    I loved this, I never thought that stars could be burnt-out, you have a terrific imagination.
    -----------------------

    "Faceless moon;"

    One of my favorite lines, you are really wonderful with weaving words together, such uniqueness is held in the center of your words, keep it up!
    -----------------------

    "the occasional light
    tumbled upon midnight roses."

    This just stunned me, what imagery you have so cleverly created!
    ------------------------

    "I wanted to... love one"

    You express yourself so well and I liked the use of "..." it added a nice touch.
    --------------------------

    "Velvet dream, to kiss
    your inky, wind-clear eyes, to caress
    The glow of your parted -"

    Great descriptions that really bring this poem so alive and real to the reader.
    ------------------------------

    "No..."

    This is like the turning point, I began to wonder why not? It made me think.
    -------------------------

    "Evanescent, like whispered melodies
    from tired lips, you
    vanished, leaving behind
    midnight petals that drifted,
    drifted, soundless, to my feet."

    Wow, wonderful wording, I liked the repeat of "drifted", that added so much. Wasn't sure I liked the repeat of "midnight" though.

    I think it would read better if "soundless" was changed to "soundlessly", otherwise, great stanza.
    --------------------------

    "Wandering upon songs
    Of silence, I breathed out
    Too many metaphors
    That spelled out your name,
    Too many sighs
    That echoed your slumber."

    This was a expressive stanza, I liked you wrote "I breathed out too many metaphors", that just took my breath away!
    --------------------------

    "Amore, I still dream..."

    I really don't hear "amore" much, but it was beautiful here and this last line struck me and had me thinking over all you said. Just those four words, wow, what a powerful ending.

    5/5 from me, you have so much talent and never give up writing, you have that talent for a reason.

    Thanks so much for posting, this really was a pleasure to read and I enjoyed reading your work.

    Take care and God bless you, child of God.

    ~MaryAnne