you very well know what I think of your work, and how much I am fond of most of your poems. but if I have to be honest, this poem was not as unique as the rest of your work, since the opening stanza is overly used, and I got used to see new things by you. This is not the real Austin's inspiring work..and that made me think as if you just wanted to express your emotions or something ?
however I was in love with certain expressions..
Roses are red
violets are blue
I'm thinking of you
If only you knew
^^^ya this part was the one that i was not really
fond of..it'sa bit cliche and that is not what
you usually do.
like it lacks the real meaning, more like for the sake
That stars are like dreams,
painted across the sky
^^what I love about these two lines is that they make me think how true the expression is..stars are beautiful and are distant..so are our dreams..they are unreachable most of the times, but they beautifully give us this feeling while
trying to reach them..
and if only they could describe
how much you mean to me.
^^^i love the passion in this line..so strong and your feelings are crawling to their peak..
Unbounded love breaks open
as i collapse under the pressure
^^capitalize (i) if you wanna, better..and these
lines reflected a beating tired heart that's doing its best to show the feelings and love that's pumping in
As your face shines,
beautiful and captivating, to me
making life something to see
as all life stops in time.
^^^I can get your message Aust, but
the way you worded thsi stanza sounds as if you rushed everything in, why don't your review it ?
like I can sense the admiration and can see the beautiful effect of this person, and how her love
is changing everything around you, but you can better this part.
Finally your voice whispers,
soothing away all my cares
and one last time I dare
to love again but only for her.
Can it be?
^^the way you ended it by can it be? doesn't really give the effect you wanted it to leave...and you change the 2nd person in the poem../i mean
1st was your voice..hen to love again but only for her..
you either have to change her /for you OR separate the last 2 lines from the other 2 lines of that last stanza..or else it would feel forced again for the sake of the rhyme which is not fair toward the clarity of the piece..
I know you don't mind anything of what I said, because I know how you write..this one feels rushed a bit and you can reallly make some good changes.