Seductive Grip

by Love Fallacy   Sep 25, 2013

She bathes under the sunlight
as the beaded sweat glistens
My heart is getting weaker
from her elegant submissions

My pain is growing stronger
while she bites her lower lip
A temptress without limits
Can't break her alluring grip

The moonlight paints her picture
curvaceous, well-endowed
I gaze along her pathway
cloistered in the background

Her aroma bitter-sweet
hovering scent of a rose
Sending waves through my veins
while it dances in my nose

You see she's simply perfect
no others can compare
Defeating that she'll never know
just how much I care


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Latest Comments

  • 7 years ago

    by Amy

    This is good! Love the Expanded volcabulary

  • 7 years ago

    by Britt

    I have a few suggestions, but MA below highlighted some of them (like punctuation).

    My other suggestion would be to turn this into a non rhyming poem. I think it has a LOT of potential - you have some really amazing images that form together (like MA said, the nature theme throughout this poem is beautiful), and some lines that are just really 'wow'! But I don't think you were able to quite hold onto that with the rhyming scheme.

    You start out really strong but I feel like it petered out in the end, because perhaps the rhyming restriction. It fell with cliched words forming together, where the first half of your poem was really powerful.

    I love the temptress without limits line. It gave her a more powerful feeling, perhaps she had some sort of magic within her? I thought that was a lovely and important line here.. your strongest for sure!

    Like I said I feel this poem a LOT of potential -- the images and specific lines are really wonderful. Just a few changes I would make is all. You're definitely improving!!

  • 7 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    Good use of imagery and the senses in this poem. To me, this woman seemed more earthy and part of nature, almost like nature complements her.

    I liked that center of nature, with the moonlight, bathing under sunlight, and how she has the scent of a rose. There is significance there in that she has this capturing beauty. Like a rose, she is alluring but may fade. Perhaps she can't stay this way forever or she can, but humans and others will sacrifice for spending so much time with her and forgetting to live their own lives.

    That line of "temptress without limits" made me think she is a goddess as well. Appealing, but has the means to control humans since she is very desirable.

    Only other suggestion I can think of would be expressing to the reader in a few lines or so where you stand with her. Obviously you are at some sort of distance, where you can watch her but can't be a part of her life, her man, or whatever you want to call it. Either you are an observer, a friend, you serve her, or you admire her like she is a class above you socially. That specific would be intriguing though if you added that in.

    From what I've glanced at briefly of your most recent poems, you don't use too much punctuation, maybe some periods. I haven't read a lot of your poetry so I don't know what your style is, but I would suggest working on putting punctuation in a few spots here. Of course it's your poem, and I don't think verse without punctuation doesn't qualify as a poem, it's just when written in stanza form like this, there are natural breaks or pauses (especially after the two opening lines of each stanza).

    Anyway, good read! Had a lot in those five stanzas.