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by Hellon   Feb 1, 2018


the bed is empty
no jasmine nor lavender
yet perfume lingers.

* just putting this up after the discussion on haiku/senryu....I've tried to take some suggestions on board but it's very much up for discussion folks...

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  • 3 years ago

    by Acoustic Odyssey

    This stood out to me as a haiku. I instantly saw one standing over a pilfered garden...with only the smell to remind them that this place once held beauty.
    Honestly, I can see it as both, but the defining factor I feel is what author sees it as. After all the author knows the true meaning of their words, the readers can only surmise.

    All in all, great write!

  • 3 years ago

    by Jamie

    To me- this is a senryu, because it deals with human emotion. And as a side note to anyone who thinks a haiku is anything but nature based is wrong. Anyway.

    The first line i feel is based on sadness, and when i think of an empty bed i think of two things, one is the person recently became single and is feeling the loneliness. Or two the person that slept next to them has passed away and they are again feeling loneliness.

    The second line tells me that jasmine and lavender are the other persons favorite smells and since they are now gone it is no longer there.

    The third line tells me, that the other person wore perfume quite a lot and the person who was left behind has grown accostomed to that smell.

    I do like how this poem leaves the reader thinking and is open to interpretation. I feel like those are the best poems. I really don't have any criticism about thd poem itself because writing three lines with imagery and meaning is difficult, but i feel you have done both well here. :).

  • 3 years ago

    by Rania Moallem

    How utterly beautiful :) I have mixed feelings about it, it makes me feel lonely, yet hopeful, then the whole image makes me feel sad again...as if reminiscing. I would love to share this somewhere if you don't mind?

    Also, just my suggestion, the comma after 'yet' killed the flow for me, even context wise it does not fit, because this way it means as though there are no roses yet - however, I guess you meant that although there are no x nor y, yet perfume lingers

    Just my side note, but I really loved this piece and waiting for your approval/disapproval to share, along with your name ofcourse.

    • 3 years ago

      by Hellon

      It was just a follow on after the discussion we had a few weeks ago about haiku. It's very much open to suggestions and...I do agree that the comma spoils the flow so..it will be removed :)

      Of course you can share it Nanna...I'm glad you liked it and...even gladder that you're back :)

  • 3 years ago

    by Ya----Na

    Perfect timing, perfect poem, perfect format!

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