Never Changed

by Trampled Angel   Oct 1, 2019


Two years
seven months
one week
one day
clean.
So much time,
so much growing,
so much unlearning,
so much becoming.
She who was
died on the day
I accepted the chance
to break free.

Invisible, it is,
at bottom,
to most
except to me.
Remembered still
a liar,
a secret keeper,
a manipulator,
an emotionless
explosion
of me.

Those moments
of falling back
into that old me
are all you need
for confirmation
that I can never
break free.
Always
a broken addict
inside using
is all you can see
of me.

I defy you though,
each time I resist
the past defining me.
It shaking though
this belief I am strong.
If you can’t see it,
does that mean I am wrong?

Sitting on the cold tile
of this bathroom floor,
the last place I’ve alone.
I sit and fear,
I’ve been fooling myself.
Is it a matter of time,
until I go back,
and show you
I’ve never changed?

3


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Latest Comments

  • 2 weeks ago

    by Koan

    Addiction can be oppressed and never return to that state! Its not an easy task but if you set your mind to it you can achieve anything in life!!!! The one thing i learned with this is that you have to do it for yourself, not for anyone, but you!!!
    Be strong and keep on writing... :)

  • 3 weeks ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    Your poems are seriously full of emotion and so reflective, that's always what I've appreciated when reading. You don't give BS. You admit mess-ups while screaming that you are still human.

    Aren't we all? Perhaps it's optimistic (and unrealistic) to say we should not define others by their past. How can we forever condemn them especially if they are actively realizing any harmful or toxic behavior and want the resources, even if they know it will be a bumpy road... there's not always going to be hope or promises we can keep. I think that's just life. What matters is our intent. We can have the best intent yet still hurt others, that just means we need to keep pushing, that doesn't mean we're complete goners.

    I think it's huge what you shared in the comments. If our actions have seriously and negatively impacted someone else, will we ever be able to repay them, or go back in time. Can we make reparations that are honest, even if relapses happen, what is our goal? Because I've noticed it before, people don't understand you can be in recovery and lapse into the same habits. That's awful, but it happens. Recovery is not a perfect road. I truly think most people would rather write off people who struggle with addiction rather than try to understand. Yes, you need a healthy balance of being supportive with resources yet knowing the disease part of addiction, that you can't always be thir guiding light if they need a better support that you can't provide.

    Thank you for sharing this, so much emotion and vulnerability brimming here.

  • 3 weeks ago

    by Brenda

    It takes a whole lot to get clean and stay that way. I applaud your efforts and your continuing fight. Being on the other side I will have to admit I have looked at one who is now clean with doubts. I'm sorry, I shouldn't but I have had my trust broken before, so I can relate to your poem and how someone may look doubtful at you. You aren't that same person you were 2 plus years ago. Remember that! Keep pushing, prove them all wrong, you owe that to yourself. Hugs!

    • 3 weeks ago

      by Trampled Angel

      I hear you. I appreciate your respectful reply. And perhaps also to consider, when will it be enough? How many days, how many weeks, how many years? How many commitments kept? How many good life choices made? How many difficulties handled? How many amends undertaken? How many is enough? The answer seems to be nothing. I cannot prove I will not do something - can you? It’s impossible. I don’t think earning trust is a thing. It seems to me that trust is a choice. No one can blow a chance they were never given.

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