Sometimes the fog of numbness lifts for a minute
And I find myself hard up against the grief,
Its jagged edges finding the soft places I’ve hidden
Even from myself
“This is it, this is how it is for the rest of your life” it tells me
In a dull voice
strangely devoid of emotion considering its nascence.
The flimsy façade of my recovery starts to crumble
and I feel myself sliding towards
that too too familiar mire of mourning.
I hear quite clearly,
“Make a U turn now”
It’s my voice
And it keeps repeating,
“Make a U turn now”
its emphasis on 'now' escalating with each repetition.
I know that U turn is necessary
It will preserve me here in the place I have pulled myself up to.
Is it avoidance to step away from the sadness and confusion and pain?
what is there to be gained from looping back and round and round in
That unresolvable darkness?
only more suffering and wretchedness.
I make a U turn
I choose a road less travelled.
Light is what I first notice,
Space and new horizons opening up,
Unfamiliarity is my new comfort zone.
As I start my U turn,
I note that the ache is still there
Lurking like a bruise
Sore and sullen across my cheeks
Pressing up under my eyes
Daring them to release tears to obscure my vision.
I haven't seen you post since the summer, so this is a treasure, seriously.
My heart aches for you, for the mourning and this back and forth pull of the darkness. It's utterly exhausting, and I can almost hear that tremble in your voice. I love how you described the rawness and jolt of being taken from that comfortably numb state that many of us are familiar with, to the starkness of the grief. Not being able to process it. Or fight it. Or hold it back from engulfing you.
Your wording is so powerful in this, how it can peel back the softest parts of you, the progress you've made, and you wonder if it will always continue like this.
Your voice in this is mesmerizing and very thought-provoking as to what this U-turn will do for you. Is it an escape, an avoidance as you mentioned, or are you allowed moments of freedom from being pulled back into the memories and past?
Very daunting piece, Megan. Glad to see you posting here again and hope to read more.