Deliverance

Sometimes the fog of numbness lifts for a minute
And I find myself hard up against the grief,
Its jagged edges finding the soft places I’ve hidden
Even from myself
“This is it, this is how it is for the rest of your life” it tells me
In a dull voice
strangely devoid of emotion considering its nascence.
The flimsy façade of my recovery starts to crumble
and I feel myself sliding towards
that too too familiar mire of mourning.

Then,
I hear quite clearly,
“Make a U turn now”
It’s my voice
And it keeps repeating,
“Make a U turn now”
its emphasis on 'now' escalating with each repetition.

I know that U turn is necessary
It will preserve me here in the place I have pulled myself up to.
But,
Is it avoidance to step away from the sadness and confusion and pain?
Probably? Possibly?
But,
what is there to be gained from looping back and round and round in
That unresolvable darkness?
Surely,
only more suffering and wretchedness.

I make a U turn
I choose a road less travelled.

Light is what I first notice,
And lightness
Space and new horizons opening up,
Unfamiliarity is my new comfort zone.

As I start my U turn,
I note that the ache is still there
Lurking like a bruise
Sore and sullen across my cheeks
Pressing up under my eyes
Daring them to release tears to obscure my vision.

My new life is a work of many U turns.

© Megan Chapman