The Ex

I’ve been dreading the holidays. On Thanksgiving I got drunk. Sad at the birthday. On Christmas. He came up behind me and took the glasses off of my face. Which is to say that I was blind in the relationship. Thank God for the pandemic. Now we will bypass Easter.
I don’t go to church much anymore. On New Years Eve, I rushed out, wishing to be unseen. He followed me.

The letter... it is so confusing. What does it mean? “No excuse, no explanation.”
I miss him and I don’t. I want him now because the time of pandemic is lasting into the unknown.

Is he drinking? Is he in love with Sarah? Shannon?
Why couldn’t I love God? Is it because of my inability to do so that he found Sarah? It is. She is beautiful. His prayer partner. The one who has his heart.

If we were together, would I tell him about my vulnerabilities? Was I callous then? Am I callous now? Would he write his book about masculinity with me, a feminist, by his side?

If we were together, I would tell him about the walk I took this morning. I would describe the squawk of the birds in the trees. I would crawl into his bed; think about the rodent in the wall. Maybe I was the rodent in the house.

If we were together, I would play blues music. Look over at him. Pray that I would never squawk like a bird in mid-spring; about to freeze to death.