the shadows chew through my appendages
and into bone, and i do not scream.
words have failed me far too often,
and silence is intoxicating, so i’ll remain
inebriated and reminisce of the times
i've had difficulty contorting my mouth
into the right shape whenever i was unlucky
enough to speak your name, so that i do not
spill, so that the memories don’t flood back.
you forgot that i was one of them,
i did not feed on you; i became a part of you.
like time; i kept running out only to crawl back
to your bones, they weren't only growing pains -
i was hurting too. i thought you were embracing me
when it was quiet, cradling the bond i believed we had.
but your words were lashing and i was left
so weak and small in the corner of your
beaten up brain, shivering trying to find one
the uninvited dinner guest – i did not set you
a place at the table, i’ve kept my distance,
hoping you would’ve withered away, and when
that failed, i turned to alcohol, later settling on
talk-therapy – the long unforgiving process of
learning to live with you. you broke me. years
later i still pull shards out of me, remembering
each and every time you put your hands on me.
it's funny, my entire existence is stained by you,
to go from writing an ode to you in secret to
being shamed to even acknowledge your name –
i've always lived on extremes, but i beg you to
let me wallow somewhere in the middle,
where meadows are just green enough.
if i was the uninvited guest, who were you?
and what does that make of all the days
we spent together? you see me as a monster
or maybe even a demon, but have you ever
wondered where would you be now if i didn’t
take the empty seat? i watched you bloom
within all those meadows you dreamt of, but
it is you who kept calling me back.
it is you who withers every time
only to bury us in cold soils.
**Collab with hiraeth: