Shattered Screams

by HOLLYWOODxBANGBANG   Jun 1, 2006


I can't sleep tonight, tossing and turning in my bed;
The pain and anguish pounding through my head,
The sheets are messed, the blankets are tossed;
And inside this hollow universe, I am lost.

I prayed to God tonight, to come and take me away;
Take me to a better time, a better place,
My thoughts are clouded, hurt pushing through;
My onyx heart from deep within, still crushed in two.

I thought I saw you standing there tonight, from the corner of my eye;
Looking upon me all wrapped up in your lies,
But when I turned my head to look, there was nothing but a lamp post there;
At my soul, it began to tear.

I counted the stars tonight, anything to take my mind off of you;
The stars twinkling in my misty eyes, lying upon the midnight dew,
Tears rolling down my rosy red cheeks;
I haven't seen or heard from you in weeks.

I ran away to hide today, down on highway thirty-nine;
Lost in memories of you, losing track of all time,
Shattered screams echoed in the hollow night;
Feeling deep within my soul, so much spite.

I almost died tonight, underneath the moon so blue;
And for what I am doing to myself, you never knew,
You left me standing there that day, got into your truck;
Waved good-bye as my lost heart was struck.

I remembered who you were tonight, the man I once knew and loved so much;
Gone, with but one last touch,
Always remembering, as time stands still;
That I love you Dad, and I always will.

© Jenna Elphick
June 1, 2006

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Latest Comments

  • 17 years ago

    by Tara Kay

    Another poem that is awesome. so much emotion, sadness. could easily make us cry, well done. so much talent.
    xxxxx

  • 17 years ago

    by LovinMyLife

    Wow, this is amazing you are really good. I love your poems! Omg, they are just so good!

  • 17 years ago

    by Lauren Waszkiewicz

    Ok first off this poem, its meaning and it message and words were beautiful and emotional. and great. it was sad heart wretching even. it made me really like sad, my eyes glazed over.. lol. and the language was very interesting ad good as well.

    But the actual poem, im sorry to say was not that well written, the rhythm was very choppy, some lines were up to 20 syllables, and the next line- which it rhymed with was only 6. this poem i think would have been much better if you hadnt tried so hard for it to rhyme, if it was a freewrite then you wouldnt have to worry about 4 lines per stanza and you could put more breaks where they were needed. or you could have some of the more equal stanzas stay as they are but adjust the others, because personally the flow made me kind of get annoyed. it was very difficult to read.

    Overall with emotion+poem it would be i think a 4. i think it could be improved alot.

    x.xLauren

  • 17 years ago

    by xTheEcstasyOfSuicidex

    At my soul, it began to tear

    ^^ I meant to comment on that but accidently didn't.

    Those lines just don't sound right to me.. Something about them, I don't like.. I'd revise them, if I were you. Only a seggestion though!

    xDarkSuicidex 5.5

  • 17 years ago

    by xTheEcstasyOfSuicidex

    And inside this hollow universe, I am lost
    ((I really liked these lines...very imaginative))
    I prayed to God tonight, to come and take me away;
    Take me to a better time, a better place,
    ((You broke rhyme scheme here.. or to me that's what it sounded like, anyways. =[))
    I haven't seen or heard from you in weeks.
    ((God, how I know what this feels like [but not for my father..]))
    Gone, with but one last touch,
    ((I loved these lines, as well..))
    Always remembering, as time stands still;
    That I love you Dad, and I always will.
    ((Completely not what I was imaging.. and I loved that you did that.. I thought 'oh boy, another lost love poem' but..Nice turn around.))

    I really liked the ending.. It was a complete shocker. It brought the whole poem together and made it what it is... I'm glad it wasn't another 'lost love' poem. It would have been very cliche and I would have downrated you for it. ((Because it would have been like every other poem...))
    But you did wonderfully on this topic. Good job.
    xDarkSuicidex 5.5

    At my soul, it began to tear.

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