Hearts break baby and yet the world still spins,
we're all aiming for victory but no one ever wins.
We're born into this selfish world with our heads held high;
oblivious to our destiny we're only born to die.
Time passes slowly but you fail to catch your breath,
you're hoping to succeed in life but your destiny is death.
You try to act superior but babe you're far from great,
no matter how you try you cannot change your fate.
One day you're the future and next thing you're the past;
lost moments, forgotten loves, time just doesn't last.
Smiling every minute or crying every day;
No matter how you live your life you'll someday fade away.
Hearts break baby and tears they tend to drop
but over time those tears dry up and hearts will always stop.
That's a very strong message. I love the choice of words and very nice ending. Makes me think about what I do everyday.. is it really worth it since nobody makes it out alive anyways?.. 5/5!! Great Job (:
Brilliant, from beginning to line 12 (I'll get to the end later). An expressive and very definitive piece, I must say, I am pleased to have randomly clicked on your profile after seeing your post in the discussion board! That aside, your style of writing and delivery was superb; not only did you immaculately maintain your sense of rhythm; you knew exactly how to develop your ideas. And though some would label your language 'simple', I think this is precisely what anchors your piece. You make sharp and precise â€˜poetic statementsâ€™ (if you like) that seem to roll off your tongue with no problem, and this is a exceptional quality in a writer, so very well done. Quite honestly, I have never been a massive fan of the term â€˜babeâ€™. It puts me off a little, lol. However, reading it in the very conversationalist tone you have, it seems to work; so well done for managing to keep my attention :)
My only two concerns lie in the following.
a) â€œtime just doesn't last,â€ â€“this was perhaps the only point where rhythm was a little â€˜offâ€™. Because the rest of your lines seem to possess a sense of â€˜full rhymeâ€™, this one begs to differ slightly. What I would suggest is perhaps extending the line simply to â€˜time just doesnâ€™t seem to lastâ€™. This is an alternative suggesting, so you may or may not wish to comply!
b) â€œHearts break baby and tears they tend to drop,
But over time those tears dry up and hearts will always stop.â€ â€“these lines are good, but thatâ€™s all they were. I didnâ€™t quite feel the same spark as I did with the other ones. Not that they seemed forced, they just didnâ€™t seem to possess the same honesty and realism as the rest of your poem does. I donâ€™t have an alternative suggestion for you right now, but for now, in my humble opinion, I think line 12 would even be a great place to end.
Other than this, a marvellous read and I look forward to reading some more of your material. Well done :)