Bastille

by Hannah Lizette   Jan 21, 2014


"Forgive me if I cling like
static, I've just been
missing you. A touch of
hope has escorted it's way
down the corridor of
homesick dreams."

-

He grits a rolled-up
cigarette between
his teeth as he
scrawls poetry
atop his knee,
tasting a morsel
of a metaphor before
it hovers like fog
above the skeleton
of a tree.

Photographs that have
more wrinkles than
he does are pasted
inside his state
issued bible;
a reminder that he
must grasp his hands
and pray if he wants
to erase the man of
yesterday.

*club challenge

Copyright 2014: Hannah K.

3


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Latest Comments

  • 2 years ago

    by Maple Tree

    Hannah is a beautiful descriptive writer! Her display of wording is crafted and designed in such a way that it makes the reader possibly think back to someone they have known in the past or previous.

    Reflections of the past gone wrong and wishing for better days is what comes to mind within this poem. The detailed way she describes his face and smoking a cigarette puts a vivid picture in my mind of a man with a war torn past in his soul.

    This poem is deep, very deep and I can't help but fall in love with it!
    I truly love the ending, "holding his state issued bible" helps create the ending and allows the reader to possibly feel like this man was imprisoned, either in the physical sense or mental sense, either way.. It's breathtaking in so many ways!!

  • 3 years ago

    by Jamparnell

    Great poem

  • 3 years ago

    by Narph

    Judging Comment:

    This piece is just so... can I say professional? Maybe? There are no unnecessary words. No overbearing language... no intangible or hyper metaphorical thought processes, just clear, elegant, straight forward visuals that create and define a character I feel like I could reach out and touch, or talk to, or read about in a Hemingway novel. I love the first stanza, and how it doesn't quite match the rest of the piece. It's airy and lovey-dovey, and held in sharp contrast to the rolled up cigarette and wrinkles. This poem has dimension, it's so creative and vibrant. Really well done, I love it.

  • 3 years ago

    by Timothy

    Although I sincerely believe you have talent, there is such a thing as overkill in writing. You see it a lot in newer writers, and in stories where they may call a "face" a "countenance" and other exaggerated words. Sometimes its best to call a rabbit a rabbit and "skeleton of a tree" can be a "dead tree" when you have gave three colorful descriptions right behind it. I don't mean to be mean, I am simply trying to help. I actually submitted a story years back and after the first 10 rejections someone finally took the time to explain some of things I am saying to you. Simple is good, even in poetry. Keep writing!

    • 3 years ago

      by Hannah Lizette

      Thank you for the constructive criticism! I don't see it as being mean at all. :) I will take it under consideration and try to dial it down a bit haha.

  • 3 years ago

    by Midnight Sky

    5\5 nicely done i have to disagree with timothy you wrote what you wanted to say no overkill i liked it