undermining my soul's ambitions,
has brought me to this co-ordinate
A place where pleasure wilts by
pining from the past,
looking to the future,
or staring in the mirror.
In comprehending reality,
I wonder surreptitiously:
What has it done to me?
Abolished into a realm, of my own doing,
what once were interstices of happiness
have grown to be light years apart,
each gap I'm not sure I'll survive.
What is the point of living
if happiness is ever-present in the distance,
Why am I forced to carry burdens
and smile as they burrow holes in my back?
The unanswerable taunts me,
as do my soul's ambitions,
tucked away in a summer
lost many years ago.
Over those years,
I've found my existence to be a light switch,
and it takes one flick to turn it off.
My finger hovers.
Oh! It hovers,
as I contemplate down to my last molecule
if being here really matters,
if my co-ordinates are a destination
or a dead end.
I lose myself in the moments passing.
Over the many years of staring longingly at this light switch,
I've found losing myself is the only way to keep the lights on.
Stephen, such a sad and longing write. Never give up searching for that light! It's there for you and your entire future is ahead of you. I know wonderful things are in store for you! I know I have said this before, but I am so happy to see you writing again. Hugs!
Thank you Brenda. Once I get my DD 214 and can grow my hair, my beard, and travel where/when I want... I think things will be a bit brighter for me. This deployment is just the last hump to that freedom, and with only 2 months left ... it's nearing its end. Thank goodness.