Why I am the way I am

by TheDarkCloudBehindthePoet   Oct 22, 2018


There was a time in my life,
when I gave you all of me,
I breathed, ate, worked,
all for your love and affection,

Whatever you wanted and needed,
I made sure you had it,
Transportation, money for bills,
and your pocket,

I even gave you my whole check,
just to make sure you were good,
and I had to steal to pay mine,
but I didn’t care,
because you were my everything,

I learned to love everything about you,
From the way you misspoke English at times,
to when you were mad,
I just had to feed you,
get you in the car so you would sleep,
on the way home,
and make sure you had juice next to you,
when you woke up,

You were my girl,
My baby,
My lady,
My wife,
But then I became unhappy,

Unhappy with the way you spoke to me,
How unappreciative you were,
How you made me feel about myself,
And you knew how fragile I was,

You knew I cut and how many times
I tried killing myself,
and how we were emotionally,
attached to one another,
I couldn’t take it,

So rather than leave,
I cheated,
A lot,
and it came back to haunt me,

The last few years were the worst,
Constantly fighting and always,
at each other’s throats,
Our bad days outweighed our good days,

And still gave you all of me,
even when I wasn’t there,

I’ll never forget how good you treated me,
Unemployed for almost a year,
You took care of me,
I’ll forever love you for that,

But what did you do for me lately?
So we went through all of that,
just to become strangers again,
And two years later,
I still haven’t gotten over you,

This hole in my heart is so big,
I try filling it with different women,
but it gets bigger after each one,
and I lose a piece of myself every time,

The drive home becomes longer,
And quieter,
I’ve become numb,
to the pain I feel,

My heart is frozen,
and sometimes I don’t believe,
I can love another the way I loved you,

I’m trying to find my way in the aftermath,
Walking in the Land of Nod,
but I can’t,
I’m forever lost.

5


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Latest Comments

  • 6 months ago

    by Em (marmite)

    I can't see for tears... This is extremely emotional

    • 6 months ago

      by TheDarkCloudBehindthePoet

      I been scared to write this for a while. Just revisiting all the good and bad times. Even good memories hurt. But when you have something on your heart you have to let it out. Thank you Em.

  • 6 months ago

    by CJ Maleney

    Dude I don't think I've read anything quite as traumatic as this in such a long time.

    I suppose we all have indiscretions of one sort or another. It's what drives us to that is the issue and needs questioned.

    Hope you find your path fella.

    Craig

  • 6 months ago

    by Brenda

    It is so hard to be in a toxic relationship. One that gives and the other takes. You are always on this horrible merry go round that never let's you off. I hope you find that person that loves you the way you deserve to be. Hugs-

    • 6 months ago

      by TheDarkCloudBehindthePoet

      Thank you Brenda. One day I’ll find her or she’ll find me. I’ve learned a lot from that relationship and hope not to experience that again. Thank you again.

  • 6 months ago

    by Scott Cole

    Love this I'm nominating it when I'm able unless someone beats me to it....good job

    • 6 months ago

      by TheDarkCloudBehindthePoet

      Thank you so much. I’ve had this poem on my heart for a long time and been scared to write about it. Thank you for seeing the beauty in my work.

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