"Word of Advice: Don't ever look at your brother's computer screen under any circumstances."

Her farting keeps me warm at night.

Football is like the religion in Texas.
So I'll go there and marry my football player!

I will ignore you so hard you will start to doubt your own existence.

Girls are like Internet Domain names; the ones I like are already taken.

When Harry Styles and Taylor Swift break up shell write a song called, 'I Went In The Wrong Direction.'

Just unfollowed Taylor Swift on Twitter.

Expecting a song in about an hour.

Screw soccer.... if I wanted to watch somebody struggle to score for 90 minutes, I'd just take my friends to the bar.

Everyone I know is getting married or pregnant, I am just getting more awesome.

Sometimes i wish i were a nicer person but then i laugh and continue my day