Oblivion (Collaboration with Em)

by Ren   Jun 28, 2017


I'm just barely alive,
But almost dead inside-
Because of the abuse,
And all the tears I've cried.

I must be dehydrated,
Lost all sense of control.
I just want to be loved-
To feel part of a whole.

In this darkening abyss
Of memories that never fade,
A flash of hope appears-
Like a brightly shining ray.

It fills me up
From head to toe-
My insides come to life,
But the pain just won't go.

Is it so much to ask
To feel complete?
To be loved unconditionally
By another’s heartbeat?

As these bruises and scars
Chain me down-
In my tears of sorrow
I am left in to drown.

The problem is
I can’t run away
From the thoughts in my head
That have lead me astray.

But
Someday
I will find
A way…

And no longer feel parched,
Or dizzy from lack of control-
Because the beat of hope
Will drag me from my own black hole.

    report violation
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Latest Comments

  • 6 years ago

    by Phil

    Yes I get this! I'm here right now. Damn

    • 6 years ago

      by Ren

      Glad you could relate! Though not so glad you're there. Much love and healing to you, hon, and thanks for the comment!

  • 6 years ago

    by deeplydesturbed

    Ladies, lovers, friends - this piece from the comments has a bit of contreversy going.. I personally enjoyed it. you two had me reading it over and thinking to myself " get this, ive been here".. Well done. I couldnt tell the two of you apart which is amazing... I nominate.. :)

    • 6 years ago

      by Ren

      Thank you so very much hon! I truly appreciate your kind words and the nomination! You are amazing :)

  • 6 years ago

    by Milly Hayward

    Another well written poem with lots of imagery and emotion. I am so glad that it ended on a hopeful note x

    • 6 years ago

      by Ren

      Thank you so much!!

  • 6 years ago

    by Jamie

    I disagree with everyone here. I don't really like this poem tbh. There is definitely some good within the piece though.

    The rhyming is simple and ok mostly. It works well for each stanza. Except that second to last stanza. I think personally that can be cut out. It slowed the flow for me so much. I think the last stanza could start with

    "And no longer do i feel parched" but that is only if you cut out the second to last stanza. But again thats just opinion. Another thing i loved is the title. I don't think you could have made a better title for the meaning you were trying to say.

    I liked the meaning behind the poem because i can relate to it. The thoughts about your past are haunting you during the present. It works well. Except that, you establish the *hope* piece way to early i feel and while you do save it until the end, it should only be at the end of the poem and not at the start, because that really threw me off. Because you want to portray a certain meaning which by the title you did, you want the darkness to fill the readers mind and then make the feel good at the end. Again opinion.

    The thing that threw me off the most though were the first two lines of the poem, because they don't flow well together at all, and i feel they are the same thing.

    My suggestion would be to say something like

    "I'm just barely breathing,
    and almost dead inside-

    You want to convey to the reader thst the mood is dire, while having it make sense. That way it still works witb your rhyme and gives that panicked feeling. All my opinion though. Its a great structure to the poem though!

    • 6 years ago

      by Ren

      Hey Jamie! I appreciate your honesty and respect your opinion! Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment! Take care :)

    • 6 years ago

      by Lost One

      I dislike comments like this, tbh. There's some good in it though.

      For one you assume the two artists are trying to relate to you, or anyone else for that matter. They are telling a story that happens to be relatable.

      Secondly the flow was meant to be interrupted at the second to last stanza. Its their moment of realization, rather hoped for moment of realization, that one day things will change for them.

      And in my opinion, hope is cruel, and there is no better place for it than in the middle of the poem, because it makes the journey that much more painful.

      "And no longer feel parched,
      Or dizzy from lack of control-
      Because the beat of hope
      Will drag me from my own black hole"

      Its not a "feel good at the end poem." Its a "fighting to breathe till tomorrow" poem, hoping that tomorrow won't be so hard.

      Again, opinion.

      Ren and Em... great work. I get it.

    • 6 years ago

      by Ren

      No worries, I appreciate everyone's comments and opinions!! Thank you so much Tony for taking the time to read and for your insightful comment! :)

    • 6 years ago

      by Jamie

      At least I can be honest in my comments

  • 6 years ago

    by Ben Pickard

    Good heavens, ladies! Here I was looking for an early morning pick-me-up and I am dragged into the very doldrums of oblivion by some seriously dark writing! HOWEVER, there is some hope - a shaft of light - at the end there!
    In all seriousness, a very well written piece; I cannot separate the stanzas between the two of you which is the hardest thing to achieve with collaborations.

    All the best,

    Ben

    • 6 years ago

      by Ren

      Hey Ben :) thank you so very much for your awesome comment! Sorry about the lack of a morning pick-me-up! Your words are much appreciated! Take care!

    • 6 years ago

      by Em

      Thanks all and sorry this wasn't the pick me up you needed Mr P

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