Dim Stars

by Star   Jul 21, 2020

The roaring went on,
as your scribbling drafted
vague images from our memory.

The roaring became louder,
the night pressed on your chest
harder and harder.

Light from the stars carefully
preached from behind the heavy
clouds, so you counted them




and as they introduced
their vastness
you slowly exhale.

I suffocated,

for I can't see


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  • 3 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    I've been meaning to comment for DAYS, I just had to find the right words. At first, I was not sold on the "roaring went on", because I thought you could phrase it better to better utilize your words, as "went on" seems a bit dull to me and not as striking or effective. However, reading it several more times, it's interesting because there is no introduction to this roaring. I'm at the start of the poem and already told that this roaring has continued, and who knows how long it's been going on before I read this. It's a bit cryptic, which I've come to like.

    Your poems always take a turn I don't expect, such as the night pressing on one's chest. I've never read anything phrased like that, and it definitely gave me that sense of claustrophobia, of being pushed against something, nothing, not having anything to grasp on to. Though, the mention of a few stars, provides some solace, and I like how delicate and fragile it seems to count them, emphasis on each and every one to give some hope in the form of light.

    I also ADORE the lines: "as they introduced their vastness", that seemed like a very elegant yet inviting way for the stars to remind those on the earth that they will pave a path, that there is something to keep them from falling into the obscure night. Then the introduction of first person narrative shatters that illusion of hope, like you've fallen behind. And even though someone else has been able to count and be anchored by the stars, you see nothing but black.

    The last lines especially made me think of this as an allusion to depression. When others are able to see a glimmer of hope, the "light at the end of the tunnel", and you keep going in hopes of reaching that same point, yet try as you might, you can't see it. The separation of "for I can't see them" from the rest is incredibly heartbreaking. The stars have already dimmed for you...

    One of the best ones from you, I can't get this poem out of my mind! Thank you for sharing this, dear Star.

    • 3 years ago

      by Star

      I am really touched by this comment , thank you really <3

  • 3 years ago

    by Liz

    Truly amazing write. I don't even know what to say.

    • 3 years ago

      by Star

      Thank you so much!!!

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