Outlier

by prasanna   Jul 2, 2021


Are you still there?

I did something horrible, and not the
kind of thing where spilling blood
would be atonement. I don’t know
why I’m like this –

I’ll push all the boundaries, until there’s
nothing left to push – not for growth,
but I’ve only learnt to break things,
I’ll chisel at hairline fractures, not to
replace them with a bowtie inlay to mend
the cracking, but to drive the fracture
deeper, just to accelerate the process –

all things break,
why must I be patient for it to happen?

You have the oddest ways of putting me
to rout, you’ll offer me a cup of tea and
tell me about how Abell 78, a once
dying star came back to life because the
amount of material it shed was so dense,
it started fusing helium again, staving off
death just a moment longer.

“Just like people”, I’ll softly add.

You’ll nod, and remind me that our ribcages
are not where our sins go to fester, and that
I can still breathe.

I’ll swallow the air for four seconds,
hold it in for four seconds,
and exhale for another four seconds,
and hold for another four seconds –
just like you taught me, and some
of the guilt will dissipate, not all,
mind you, but just enough that
I can torment myself with guilt
instead of coming to a standstill.

Except this time,
no amount of controlled breathing
will alleviate the guilt or pain,
your palms where I would bury
my face would become a make-shift
casket, and you know how I feel about
burials.

There is nothing stopping me from
becoming a cloudburst and spilling
all my sins, except mercy –

we all have our boundaries,
and I always think twice about
whether this sin or the next will
be the one for you to realize not
all people can be helped.

I can’t be helped.

4


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Latest Comments

  • 2 years ago

    by Rayven

    Rarely do I put poetry into my favorites list, but this one is outstanding. Perhaps in a lot of ways I can connect to it from the view point of guilt and feeling like I did something 'bad' in my past. The story telling and wordplay is also my favorite.

    "I did something horrible, and not the
    kind of thing where spilling blood
    would be atonement. "

    This line I want to highlight because in my opinion it is the line that holds the whole poem together. You grabbed my attention because this is where the emotion of guilt starts to unfold and the story starts after.

    I am just going to highlight my thoughts in general.

    Another thing I love about the poem itself is that it feels like you are writing to/speaking to the person you felt guilty about doing something bad to/with. Almost like you are speaking to their ghost or a memory you are think about.

    You are trying to calm anxiety by doing a breathing technique and while it worked a bit, it wasn't enough for this thing you did. That makes the poem more suspenseful and makes the reader feel more sympathetic for the writer. I loved that.

    I love the feeling of dread at the end for a couple of reasons. You did not stray from the consistency of emotions throughout and you did not give away what the bad thing was. You did well to leave the reader guessing and this is so well written it works!

    I wouldn't change anything personally.

    • 2 years ago

      by prasanna

      Thank you so much for your lovely comment!

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