I'm addicted to the pain.

So scared that everyone is right.
I know i need my pills.
So scared ill be taken away again
Locked up for a month.
But the scariest is knowing i feel much worse than last time.

My defiinition for Bipolar Disorder;

B.roken
I.ndiscriable
P.ain
O.verdose
L.ies
A.nxiety
R.egret

D.eath
I.nsanity
S.miles
O.ngoing
R.unning wild
D.epression
E.ternity
R.age

Have you ever wondered what hurts more, saying something and wishing you hadn't or saying nothing and wishing you had?

*not mine*

I am a girl who suffers
But I don’t want a show
I’ll always suffer in silence
And hope they never know
Because they are everything
My friends deserve it all
They deserve the happy end
They shouldn’t watch me fall

I knew I shouldn’t have told you
This is all going wrong
Get the hell out of my hurt
It’s not where you belong
This shouldn’t be happening
Let me set the record straight
I am not your concern
You will not suffer from my pain

Because you weave pictures
Of the most beautiful dreams
And everything you will do
To stifle my screams
But in the dead of night
The nightmares are dark
There’s gruesome pictures
Infecting my heart

My head is spinning
My heart is rushing
My mouth is shut tight
While my body is pulsing
So I reach for it
And make short quick strikes
And all of a sudden
Everything is all right

Yesterday I turned 18 and was the happiest person on Earth.
Today I just want to crawl in a dark hole and die.
How does that work?

I can't keep doing this.
I can't keep living like this.
I can't keep pretending that everything is okay when actually, it's far from it.