My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on four billion! CRAP! Seven. Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six, at least."

Some people give me a weird look and ask "Are you high on crack?". I say "Pfft, crack kills... Peace, love and pot!"

"Squish a boob, save a life!"

Protect yourself from breast cancer!

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

When I walk by you say "fag" but your boner says something else.

It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality i accept

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?

"life is like a box of chocolates... u never gonna know what ur gonna get!

Laugh a little and life would be a little easier. fart a little and you wont get stomach. love a little and you will be love back.

To my sister: that's very ungrammer of you