Maybe, just once, someone will call me "Sir" without adding, "Youre making a scene"

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my brother to swim.

When life gives you lemons,make grape juice. Then sit back and let the world wonder how the heck you did it.

Money can't buy happiness: but it can buy marshmallows which are kinda the same thing.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

When I'm not in my right mind my left mind gets pretty crowded.

My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the Hell's really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?

I saw a Lola on TV, she was born without arms. thats sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't.'" And that to me was kinda worse. she has no arms, and doesn't understand simple contractions.

My fan goes back and forth.It looks like its saying. No.So I ask it questions that a fan would say no to.Do you keep my hair in place?Do you keep my papers in order?Do you have 3 settings?Liar!My fan lied to me.I'll pull the pin up.Now you can't lie.