Cigarettes are like Wolves.
One won't kill you, but a few packs might.

He said . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

Settle down precious...
i know what your going through,
10 minutes before you got here,
i was gonna jump too.

Be optimistic. Eventually everyone you hate will die.

When life gives you lemons
Make grape juice
Then just sit back and relax
As you watch the world try to figure out
How the hell you did it

There is no sense in talking sense to people who know no common sense.

Always look back at where you come from and where you've been. Don't forget to look forward to where you're going, either or you might walk into something.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as Hell. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "Ahhh, crap! I thought I looked like that rock!"

This is what my friend said to me; he said, "Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes." It's like,"Dude. you have to give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you have to insert a pause."