Alcohol doesnt make you fat... it makes you Lean... on tables, chairs, random ugly people, the floor....

Inside me there's a skinny girl... But I usually just shut her up with chocolate.

When some guy breaks your heart, friends will tell you, "Well, you deserve better." but bestfriends will prank call him in the middle of the night and say, "You will die in 7 days!"

REVENGE The reason I get out of bed in the morning.

I was standing in the park, wondering why frisbees
got bigger as they got closer. Then it hit me.

Son: mom, when will you be a grandmother?
mother: when you have a wife and son or daughter
son: what's next?
mother: nothing. i will die.
son: then i won't take a wife, for i don't want you to die!

a real story

In the end;; everything will be okay. If it isnt okay-it isnt the end.

I want to work at a fast food joint... Just to be a smart a**. I would work at the window.. And someone would be like "Can I have a whopper?" and I would tell them "No."

Bombing for Peace is like having Sex for Virginity!

I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.