Man, never get high before a test. Because it will backfire. I did that once.. Big mistake. I wrote a huge essay on the anatomy of a frog. The teacher said it would have gotten full points. If it hadn't been a Math test.

Guys were only created because vibrators can't mow the grass

I say forget diets!
The only carrots I'm interested in are the ones in a diamond!

Im not as think as you drunk i am

The person smiling when something's gone wrong has found somebody else to blame.

Dear Lord,
If you can't make me SKINNY, Please make my friends FAT

If life hands you lemons throw them back and say, "Make your own damn lemonade!"

"Every woman should use what mother nature gives her before father time takes it away".

If the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

*i wasn't born with enough middle fingers to show you how i REALLY feel.*