I accidentally rear ended a car at a stoplight.
The driver, a midget, got out and yelled at me, "I'm Not Happy"
I leaned down and replied, "Well Then, Which One Are You?"

How do I feel about gun control?
Break into my house one night && find out.

Friend: "Have You Seen My Acid?"
Me: "F**k Your Acid, Have You Seen The Dinosaur In The Kitchen?"

If my smoking bothers you..
Don't breathe.

Remember when I told you to shut the f**k up
And you were so shocked, your jar dropped and nothing came out?
D**n, I miss that.

You're Fat.
Don't try and sugar coat it
Because you'll eat that, too.

If you don't like gay marriage,
Blame straight people.
They're the ones who keep having gay babies.

F**k the price on the tag,
Just throw it in the bag.

Lord of the rings aka three super long movies about men fighting a war over some jewelry

Q:: What do you call an aboriginal flying a plane?

A:: A pilot you fcukin racist!