I wanna b a race car passenger: just to bug the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..."

*Mitch Hedberg*

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky

*Mitch Hedberg*

I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed

*Mitch Hedberg*

I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy

*Mitch Hedberg*

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

*Mitch Hedberg*

I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers... NOPE... we got spaghetti!

*Mitch Hedberg*

There was an alcholic of potton,

who had an infamous bottom,

you'd give him a call,

he'd always reveal all,

and thats why he's never forgotton!!!

Person 1: why dont you go and sit on (name's) lap and talk about the first thing that pops up??

Person 2: im sorry i dont talk about short storys!!!

So What are you gonna do today napoleon?....

Whatever i feel like doing...GOSH!!

(napoleon dynamite)

V-O-T-E Please!!

You look fine from far away but your are far away from fine