DAD: Wanna Hear A Joke Son? SON: Yes DAD: Pussy SON: I Don't Get It... DAD: EXACTLY!

Hey I just met you, and girl you look crazy, what brands your make-up, Crayola maybe?

Me: knock knock
them: who's there
me: whata
them: whata who
me: whata are you doin lookin at me in da dark

If you get hit in the face. you didnt dodge the ball

I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, Hello? As if the bad guy is gonna be like, Yeah, I'm in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?

Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.

I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching...my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.

Hey autocorrect, stop messing with my damn curse words. You mother forklift.

Next blocked number that calls me I'm answering
"Jims wh0re house, you got the dough, we got the ho"

And I'll make no apologies. I'm into phonography, and I like my bluetooth, buttons coming loose, I need my hands free. Then I let my mind roam, Playing with my ringtone.