When everybody is out to get u, being paranoid is just good thinking

not mine

People like you are the reason we have middle fingers

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I like to go to the playgroud and watch the little children yell and jump up and down. They don't know I'm only firing blanks.

I went to the gas station the other day. The attendent asked me "Regular?". I replied "No, I want you to dress up in a gorilla suit and dance like a fairy."

I was walking down the street the other day and something caught my eye. And dragged it 15 feet.