I had this parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry." So it died

That'd be funny if you were a drummer, and you grabbed two magical wands instead of drumsticks. You're pounding out the beat "1-2-3-4 Oh s***, my Bass Player's now a can of soup... Sorry Rick, I mean Cream of Mushroom!

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too litteral for me.

I don't want to be a chicken
I don't want to be a duck
Sooo kiss my butt butt butt!!!!

Call me a bench warmer
Cuz I ain't playin'

Boredom can kill a person.

The other day I went to put money into my wallet only to find a spider had moved in, I hadnt used it in so long!

Ninjas can't catch you if you're on fire!

-saw it on a hoodie I really want :)

First Person: Did you know Micheal Jackson died?
Second Person: Wha....?
First Person: Yeah, he ate a ten year old weiner.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

--W.C. Fields