"Can I get a picture of you, so I can show Santa Claus what I want for Christmas."

-Two guys are in a jail cell together-

guy on bottom bunk says, "So are you gonna rape me tonight?"
guy on top bunk says, "I have a headache!"
guy on bottom bunk says, *sighs* "Fine!"

Women are stupider than men because we date them

What would u do if i got shot

would u run to me with some pot

to make the pain go away?

or would u run the other way

because it turns out u were gay

When your boyfriend says you look like thomas off of "The Ringer" he really means it.....

When you tell your wife she has a nice ass, he's really looking at someone else's!!!

I hate you like a fat kid hates sports

Life is short and love is always over in the morning

My friends are all so protective of me [about sex], it's like one big condom.

I have many friends! They just dont know that their my friends :D