I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications!"

Alcoholism is a disease but it's the only the disease you can get yelled at for having. Damnit Otto you're an alcoholic. Damnit Otto you have lupus. One of these doesn't sound right.

PT 2
I'm not gonna walk by at ten and say "Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done"

I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open.
PT 1

[REHAB] is for [quitters] !!

[chris&caro]

I saw a dude, he was wearing a leather jacket, and at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. I said to him "Dude, you're a cow. The metamorphasis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I'll tip you over."

It's about time we've added some color to the white house!

But no guards appeared- of course, they never show up when you really want them to.

Her: I heard they're making a school for gays.
Him: Wait, don't we already have a school like that?
Her: What's it called?
Him: High school musical.

lmao!

People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.