Roses r red vilots r blue im in love but not wit u u used me just to get laid guess wat playa u just got played

Reality: An illusion due to lack of alcohol.

Awkward situation #2: You start talking to yourself in an empty room, only to realize there was someone sitting quietly in the corner the whole time.

(found on pub wall)

Ever notice that a man's favourite sport usually involves balls...

The world is like a gaint highschool, it is full of idiotic people that don't understand anything.

Why do people call it an ATM Machine, but know it's really saying Automated Teller Machine Machine?

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police.

-- Jeff Marder

If you can't talk behind my back while you're back there kiss my ass.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
--Steven Wright