Silent Song

by Lonely Rider   Aug 12, 2009


Silent Song (Lento)

Caught in cobweb of dreams,
got frozen tears of thee,
blot images, afar they gleam,
knot tightens, could not foresee.

Lonely in the maze of time,
barely smile my heart forlorn,
slowly beckons a distant chime,
only song of a winter morn.

**A Lento
consists of two quatrains with a fixed rhyme scheme of abcb, defe. The second and fourth lines of each stanza must rhyme. To take it a step further, try rhyming the first and third lines as well as the second and fourth lines of each stanza in this rhyming pattern: abab, cdcd. The FIRST words of each verse should rhyme....this is the hard part! There is no fixed syllable structure to the Lento, but keeping a good, flowing rhythm is recommended.

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  • 14 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    Great alliteration in the title.

    'Caught in cobweb of dreams,'
    ^To me this was a very strong beginning, I know the feeling of getting caught up in your dreams; they do seem like a big cobweb that youre caught in and cant escape.

    'got frozen tears of thee'
    ^Got seemed awkward here, I didnt really like it-- but although it seems awkward it does flow good.

    'Lonely in the maze of time,'
    ^Lovely wording here -- 'maze of time'

    Great work (: This had a touch of sadness but you did well with it. Keep writing!

  • 14 years ago

    by Rachel RTVW

    Nice word choice and imagery.

    I just had a problem understanding this line:

    ^got frozen tears of thee,^

    The got doesn't make sense.

    I like how your rhyming isn't forced and you did a nice jobon the form.

  • 14 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "Caught in cobweb of dreams,"

    This was wonderful for the opening line, it grabbed my attention.

    "got frozen tears of thee,"

    I really don't like "got" at the beginning because it sounds so much like slang when at the end you have "thee".

    "blot images, afar they gleam,
    knot tightens, could not foresee."

    Well-penned, this form looks really difficult but you could pull it off!

    "Lonely in the maze of time,"

    Okay, this is one of my favorite lines, so unique and expressive.

    "barely smile my heart forlorn,"

    I know you have to stick to the form, but I really don't like how there is no "I" or anything before "barely", it just reads a bit differently. That's just my view though.

    "slowly beckons a distant chime,
    only song of a winter morn."

    The ending is brilliant, the imagery created and the feelings expressed struck the reader. I do think there were a few spots that maybe could be worked on, but then again that was my opinion, take care and God bless you.

    ~MaryAnne

  • 14 years ago

    by Meena Krish

    Sounds like a difficult form but you have
    penned it well. There is a soft touch to this
    sadness..very nice.

  • 14 years ago

    by Ingrid

    This is so beautiful, you made each word count in this Lento..

    This feeling on being alone in the maze of time, the distant chime and the line "only song of a winter morn" are so melancholic and descriptive...You did well on this, really well:)

    *hugs*

    5/5 Ingrid

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