My Beloved...
by Dreamofolwin Jan 4, 2011
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He calls me His Beloved, |
Did You Like This Poem?
Latest Comments
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13 years ago
by Meena Krish
That is what God's love is all about, all of us
are his children and whoever looks up to him
for them he will be there..liked this Olwin :) -
13 years ago
by Jad
A very true message is written into your lines. There are plenty of emotions in this poem and they are all wonderful and joyful. I like the stanza format, keeping it original. As for everything else you seem to have done a overall descent job with the poem. As already said they are parts that don't exactly fit but then again you have done a great job considering. Great job and keep writing.
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13 years ago
by Cindy
Olwin
I think this is a beautiful piece. and it filled my heart with a very warm feeling as I read it.
Good job!
Love Cindy -
13 years ago
by Dreamofolwin
Thankyou everyone for your comments. Connie and TC you are both right " wine" doesn't sound right , and I was unsure of the wording even as I submitted my poem.. so you have both confirmed that for me. Thank you both:) Also I am going to edit this poem and submit it again... following the good advice I've been given, which having been pointed out I agree with. Thank very much TC for your help :)
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13 years ago
by TC
DreamOfOlwin,
I see from your profile that you're in Ireland, so we speak a slightly different English. In American English, the flower is spelled "lily". Also, the semicolon in line 6 should definitely be a comma, you need an apostrophe in "lifes" on line 12, and "He" should be "He's" or "He has" on line 13.
You are doing something with punctuation and capitalization which doesn't work for me. I think you would be better off keeping the punctuation straightforward (put periods, not commas, at the ends of sentences) and capitalizing only the expected words (I, He, and His, but not Beloved, Lily, and Son). As I read the poem, I found myself distractedly trying to figure out what was meant by the grammatical exceptions.
Your poem is 5 rhyming couplets. You've written each couplet as four lines, but you could just as easily have written each as two lines. I suggest you try that and remove commas which, in the current version, simply separate lines. I believe the language will sound more natural that way.
In the last line, I know you are referring to well-established symbolism about Jesus' generosity being expressed through wine. Nevertheless, "house of wine" very clearly conjures an image of a drinking establishment, and I don't think that's what you want.
-TC
