By most conventional understanding, that’s me.
Dark hair, deep eyes,
curvy but slim,
tall, not too tall,
defined bone structure.
Light olive skin.
I’m an Olympic cat-called gold medalist.
Conventional attractivity is mentioned to me about me so much it makes my eyes roll dangerously,
and has lost all meaning due to
overexposure and desensitization.
It could lack of serotonin,
the new hormonal imbalances from my hysterectomy
has me feeling like I can’t do anything
other than pile on the most impressive clown paint humanly possible to mask the fact I feel like a complete embarrassment to handle depression silently because it shouldn’t be there in the first place just like HPV shouldn’t have taken the cells in my body for a mutated road trip to my uterus with a carload of assassins ready to gut me from the inside out BUT I’M COOL
I’m cool. Because rewiring your brainstarts with saying 3 things you’re grateful for EVERY day and they cannot be the same at all for 30 days because statistics show that you don’t wanna end it when you’re grateful and it’s not like I’m suicidal *finger quotes* because that would mean I’m unstable and my kids could be taken away and everything would fall apart just because I forgot to do the upkeep to make myself feel good but I HAVE nO I have I haven’t felt good
I don’t feel good.
But when I painted my nails,
and primed my eyelids
I used this extra fine purple glitter and I shine when the light hits me.
“I wish I had the guts to do glitter like that. You look SO good.”
If this isn't a slam poem or slam style at least, I don't know what is. I got chills with the stanzas where you had no punctuation, where that truth came out, rolled out, and you don't feel good despite looking good and painting yourself with glitter. Highlighting your features. Others don't see what's inside.
Damn right about the depression not supposed to be there, for anyone. I felt anger in this and hell yes, you shouldn't have to hold that back! It breaks my heart thinking that people are silently suffering because they are afraid they will be treated differently, seen as less of a person or less capable to take care of your family, etc. You do what you can and try, try, try and this depression still is there, waiting. It makes me angry that society expects us to be stable enough for this and that, and we try to be always functional and at are best but it's not humanly possible.
There was so much heart and anguish and honesty in this, especially about the 3 reasons to be grateful, I didn't even know about that statistic, and it makes me think how hard it can be when others say "well look, you have this and this to be grateful for", yet that doesn't cure the dangerous thoughts. It's so much more complex than just being more thankful in life. And your words showed such a depth and, as usual, a raw vulnerability that seriously just ahh.... no more words.