Empty Nest!

by Kitty Cat Lady   Aug 20, 2019

How easily you label my emotion
Put it in a box, tell me it'll pass
Rub your hands together - satisfied with your fix
I'll be all better soon!

My 'nest' won't just be empty
The reason I've put one foot in front of the other for almost 19 years will be missing
Not even my utter pride can outweigh the distance between us and the panic in my heart

In 19 years countless people have come and gone
Flitted in and out of my life
But I've never been alone
I've always had him

Always him with his warm heart and easy laugh
With his humbling tolerance of life and of me
With a voice full of cheerful lyrics and endless giggles
Mind-bending discussions long into the night - not many people can make me change my point of view
But he can

I don't worry for him - independent and with a whole chapter of amazing experiences ahead of him
This is what we've prepared for
This was the goal
He fought tooth and nail for his life - and he won
All those years ago when he was brand new but so broken and his body was trying to let go
And I held his tiny body and made him a promise
Please just fight - stay alive for me and I'll be the very best mum I can be for you, only for you
And he fought - countless times over the years he  survived when they said he wouldn't
He clung on to life and he clung on to me
He gave me purpose and he gave me the only unconditional love I've ever had or ever will
He fills my heart to the brim and it often overflows with pure joy and more love for him than I can fit inside me

And I know he's not leaving my heart
I know we'll still be me and him
I know we'll adjust and we'll still be close
I know it'll be the best time for him
I know how very lucky I am ...

... but it will be so different
And we're hard-wired to resist change
And this will be the hardest change of my life so far
The dissonance between feeling so happy and proud for him and hating that he's leaving is breaking me
The thought of coming home to his empty room makes me cry a thousand times a day
And we're not even there yet!
And I can't share this with him -
I can't make him feel bad about something so wonderful
I have to smile and encourage and tell him it'll all be great!

So f**k right off with your 'empty nest' platitudes
My sun and moon are eclipsing
It's going to be very dark
And far too big to fit into your pigeon-hole!


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Latest Comments

  • 3 weeks ago

    by Tanya Southey

    I love this. This. Should. Go.Viral.

    Just saying.

    • 3 weeks ago

      by Kitty Cat Lady

      That's a lovely thing to say Tanya, thank you :-) x

  • 3 weeks ago

    by Michael

    Miss Kitty Cat,

    What an epic piece :) Blew me away. Lovely see you writing again, and splash the front page.
    Well done to you lady ;)X

    • 3 weeks ago

      by Kitty Cat Lady

      Aw thanks Michael I really appreciate that :-) x

  • 3 weeks ago

    by Milly Hayward

    I don't think anyone would ever consider putting you in a pigeon hole. A mother and child's relationship is always unique and the bond you have with your son is a very special one. Your pain and loss leaps from the page. Sending you a warm hug and best wishes Milly x

    • 3 weeks ago

      by Kitty Cat Lady

      Thanks so much Milly, it's really helped to be able to write down my thoughts and identify what I was feeling a to share it here.
      Thanks for your support as always :-) x

  • 4 weeks ago

    by Ben Pickard

    Kitty, I have no words for you. Cliches are not what you need at all, but I do know if your boy is half the man Michael has described, you couldn't have done more. This genuinely moved me immensely.

    All the best to you as ever,


    • 3 weeks ago

      by Kitty Cat Lady

      I really appreciate that Ben, thanks so much :-) x

  • 1 month ago

    by Brenda

    It is never easy when baby birds fly the nest. Hes never far away, hugs for you-

    • 4 weeks ago

      by Kitty Cat Lady

      Thanks Brenda, I know I'll get used to the change in time :-) x

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