I am far too cautious,
rarely allowing myself to be
selfish & irresponsible & human.
Sometimes though, I indulge.
I let myself have a momentary escape,
something tangible, as I move my
fingers against the most lonely parts
of me.
I smoked a cigarette for you, tonight.
Afterwards, I bathed in lavender & honey,
the water hotter than most could stand
but it didn't scorch my skin;
I am the blaze it seeks to tame.
I remember the first cigarette
we shared together, at a gas station
on the south side of town,
lips sweet with cherry Pepsi,
our lungs anticipating nirvana.
That night was the first orgasm I had
with a girl & sometimes I still shudder
& revel in the memory of you.
I guess I'm a fool for you, after all these years.
You complimented my curves,
laid down my nerves & spoke so softly
that any self-conscious fear drifted away.
I finally knew what ecstasy meant,
what living authentically could be.
That moscato & jazz graced us -
I let you know how often my body
quivered at your touch & soon enough,
my universe expanded with the sound
of your name, the discovery of a planet.
Your tongue explored the
solitude & shame & hunger
between my thighs.
I became yours,
in the most humble of ways.
It took me over a year to accept and
love the truth of me.
To this day,
I'll never be able to thank you enough
for loving me how I needed to
love myself.
