Now i lay me down to sleep
If we perished,
Would our memories be cherished?
I pray the lord my soul to keep
Id trade sunlight,
For Grey-blue eyes & dark skies.
If i should die before i wake
Promise me you'll survive,
To bury me.
I pray the lord my soul to take
Well, I might as well come out and say it. I don't mean to, but I do pay attention to grammar. I used to be horrible at it, and I still have some issues with it; thus, in my attempt to better my knowledge of it, alot of my attention is focused on grammatical errors.
That, in itself, distracted me from your words... If I knew it was just me that felt that way about reading poetry, I wouldn't be telling you this. I know alot of people who give a harsher critique because of grammar - and I think you would do much better in provoking thought, if you just fixed it up a bit.
To get on with it though...
I like that you took a well known poem and made it into something like this though. Those of us who recognize it might appreciate it for everything it is, or of course shut it down and fight over it. Both, if you ask me, are a form of attention given to your writing - so I think you may just get all you want, if you're positive that all you want from your poetry is your readers to think and react. I guess I can come to the conclusion, that you did a pretty good job here.
Not one of my favourites from you though.