Hatred: now theres an emotion that'll spread warmth through your body.

When I'm not in my right mind my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Therapy? What Therapy? Listen to Christina Aguilera while driving. That's what you need.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I got into a fight with this big guy. He said to me "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
"You wouldn't want to do that."
"Yeah, why not?"
"Well, you won't be able to get the corners very well."